The classes I'm okay with doing once I'm there, but to be honest the feeling I get going and leaving them is the worst. People say they respect me going to try and improve a weakness, but weakness and failure is all I feel before and after. Failure that my life isn't where I want it to be in all areas and how no matter how hard I try to make things change and make them better things just aren't happening. It feels like it’s been 2 years of wading through treacle and although I'm getting myself out there, applying for new jobs, meeting new people, the results of all my efforts just aren't showing. And Maths for me is a weekly reminder of that for some reason.
I know it will only be temporary, the maths classes and indeed hopefully where my life is at the moment, but it’s frustrating all the same, when everyone you know is moving onto better things and when you want that to but things just aren't moving. In a sports situation at the moment I'm like and England cricketer who has been having a bad innings and then the commentator goes: ‘And then something extraordinary happened.’ I'm waiting for the extraordinary to happen.
But let’s get back to the maths, today I had my Level 2 Life Skills Maths exam, the last time I had a maths exam was when I was 16, which was 14 years ago! It was in a sports hall at the local college and there were around a dozen or so 18 year olds also doing exams. I instantly flash backed to how I was before exams; for one the sports hall at my school was huge and there was close to I reckon a hundred or so people taking exams at any one point. You could talk with your friends while waiting, going over last minute revision hints and tips, before everyone entering with a mass of nervous energy.
Today before my exam my mind went blank on averages; I was scouring my brain as if it was a filing cabinet trying to find the answers. And then the exam began; I read through all the questions before starting and there were a couple that were a little tricky.
During my revision I had been worried about not showing my workings out fully as that’s where I lost marks on my mock exam. But on one question in that mock my teacher said my workings out were too tedious and I didn't need to put that much detail. So since then and revising with my dad I had paranoia about what to put down in the working out. Miss the crucial first step in getting the answer and I’d lose the marks.
The time went way too quickly towards the end and I was writing right till the end. Usually I always have time to check answers, so I don’t know why this wasn't the case today.
I won’t know for a couple of weeks my results, but luckily my dad has set me another challenge which I’ll tell you about tomorrow to occupy my time.
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